My Alchemist
Until about a week ago, for entertainment outside of work I used to watch the worst TV serials that mainly contained hook-ups, cheating and rich businessmen, also called “Fashion House” and “Desire”. And when I got bored of TV, I checked myself in the mirror (not for the sake of vanity) and amuse myself with acts and different facial expressions, not consciously. I wouldn’t realize talking to myself in the mirror until about 5 minutes before I got bored of myself and ran out of facial amusements. Most of my amusements would consist of imitating my high school teachers with funny accents (one of my chemistry teachers in 10th grade in Muscat had created a record for saying the phrase “now then now” 112 times in a 45 minute lecture. He would promptly say that at the beginning and the end of every statement. I don’t think I would match that even if I had to just recite that for 45 minutes like a mantra.) Unfortunately, that led to most of my friends hating chemistry for the rest of that year because of the time spent in counting the “now then now’s” to see if he broke his own record.
I never fell short of jokes to say to myself because of all the interesting people I encountered in my life. There was this one class in my undergrad called engineering mechanics that was taught by the most frustrated lecturer ever. He had been in the college for about 20 years and never got promoted to an assistant professor and so he decided to just remain weird by showing his frustration by insulting his students in class in the worst way possible that unfortunately/fortunately came out of his mouth as the funniest one liners of all time. I once got caught in class for not reading one of the materials that he had instructed the class to prepare and he came up to me with a dirty look. I nearly shat in my pants until he opened his mouth to say “It’s not enough if you are fair and have brown hair.” Period. Apparently I was supposed to derive the inner meaning out of that sentence. I nearly would have shat in my pants and embarrassed the hell out of myself (atleast pissed) but for him. His name was Arulappan.
Since Arulappan taught engineering mechanics, there was a lot of theory on metals and their material properties. On one of his lectures he had asked us to research on all the material properties of the most important metals. Once we were ready, he asked us a simple question as to which material would be most suitable for pistons in cars. There was this kiss-ass guy in class who loved to show off his knowledge during any of the lectures often with the motive of impressing his way to get an edge over all the brightest guys in class. He would raise his hand so high and would breathe so heavily as though he just climbed the Himalayas ten times and had the attitude that he should be given the right to speak whatever the hell he wants. On a completely seperate instance, he raised his hand so high that he tore his shirt, the pubic hair sticking out of the armpit hole got more attention than his heavy breathing. Since then you could only see him in loose shirts. They were so loose that they would billow on windy days and so we called him “the APMM - annoying panting marilyn monroe”.
This time was no different and obviously he had to open his mouth for which he would terribly regret later for the rest of his life. I was not involved in the least with this debate and I have managed to remember this incident after ten yrs to the precision of every syllable which he would definitely regret even after death.
“Sir, I think, since silver has the lowest weight/volume ratio and the highest strength, that should definitely be used as the piston in all the cars. I don’t know why all the manufacturers use aluminum.” I could see that this guy was so proud of his answer that he thought he was going to ace this class for the rest of the semester and that he would change the nature of auto industries. Once he gave the answer he turned around to look at the entire class suggesting that we guys would never have thought of such an answer. He was goddamn right about that. Most of the time, Arulappan was zen as though he was at peace with himself accepting the inequality in life. Even during his insults he would be very zen and deliver them instantly. It was a natural talent born out of frustration which only he could attain. But the look that he gave now was something beyond Zen. I mean, Mr. Zen himself would probably kiss Arulappan's ass. That look would have to be patented as Mr. Arul. It was Zen with a fire inside him to burst into the most ugly form of matter which unfortunately had to be speech. Boy, was he not pissed to hear that answer. The poor student was devastated after that encounter and refused to raise his hand for the rest of his undergrad career. His self-confidence level dropped to a mere 1 percent that he finally quit his career to become a miner so he could never show his face on ground level and simultaneously learn about metals. He would finally start to wear tighter shirts because he would never have to raise his hands again but to lift himself up from 2000 feet below ground level.
Well, even the most creative minds wouldn’t have thought of what Arulappan said to insult the student. “Why silver? Ha ha (the monstrosity in his laughter echoed across the room just to magnify the effects of his fiery speech). Why not gold or copper? Take all the expensive jewels in the country and turn it into “pistons of India”. The king of Saudi Arabia might have a Rolce Royce with golden pistons and diamond rings to take his 500 wives. And you are asking me why not silver. What audacity? I must say your parents have given birth only to a composition of protein molecules forgetting the remaining elements of the brain. Go back and check your mother’s womb, maybe you might find some silver. Do you even know what it means to be born with a silver spoon?” That was enough to keep me entertained for the rest of my life.
Oh Arulappan, he brings me humor even to this day. I don’t think he should ever be promoted because he wouldn’t be the same, I know its horrible to think that way but it brings happiness to 200 students every year. He was a form of engineering mechanics and speculative philosophy who practiced in the contemporary period and concerned himself principally with discovering methods for amusing others with metals into golden humor and with finding a total comical solvent and an elixir of life - My Alchemist forever.
I never fell short of jokes to say to myself because of all the interesting people I encountered in my life. There was this one class in my undergrad called engineering mechanics that was taught by the most frustrated lecturer ever. He had been in the college for about 20 years and never got promoted to an assistant professor and so he decided to just remain weird by showing his frustration by insulting his students in class in the worst way possible that unfortunately/fortunately came out of his mouth as the funniest one liners of all time. I once got caught in class for not reading one of the materials that he had instructed the class to prepare and he came up to me with a dirty look. I nearly shat in my pants until he opened his mouth to say “It’s not enough if you are fair and have brown hair.” Period. Apparently I was supposed to derive the inner meaning out of that sentence. I nearly would have shat in my pants and embarrassed the hell out of myself (atleast pissed) but for him. His name was Arulappan.
Since Arulappan taught engineering mechanics, there was a lot of theory on metals and their material properties. On one of his lectures he had asked us to research on all the material properties of the most important metals. Once we were ready, he asked us a simple question as to which material would be most suitable for pistons in cars. There was this kiss-ass guy in class who loved to show off his knowledge during any of the lectures often with the motive of impressing his way to get an edge over all the brightest guys in class. He would raise his hand so high and would breathe so heavily as though he just climbed the Himalayas ten times and had the attitude that he should be given the right to speak whatever the hell he wants. On a completely seperate instance, he raised his hand so high that he tore his shirt, the pubic hair sticking out of the armpit hole got more attention than his heavy breathing. Since then you could only see him in loose shirts. They were so loose that they would billow on windy days and so we called him “the APMM - annoying panting marilyn monroe”.
This time was no different and obviously he had to open his mouth for which he would terribly regret later for the rest of his life. I was not involved in the least with this debate and I have managed to remember this incident after ten yrs to the precision of every syllable which he would definitely regret even after death.
“Sir, I think, since silver has the lowest weight/volume ratio and the highest strength, that should definitely be used as the piston in all the cars. I don’t know why all the manufacturers use aluminum.” I could see that this guy was so proud of his answer that he thought he was going to ace this class for the rest of the semester and that he would change the nature of auto industries. Once he gave the answer he turned around to look at the entire class suggesting that we guys would never have thought of such an answer. He was goddamn right about that. Most of the time, Arulappan was zen as though he was at peace with himself accepting the inequality in life. Even during his insults he would be very zen and deliver them instantly. It was a natural talent born out of frustration which only he could attain. But the look that he gave now was something beyond Zen. I mean, Mr. Zen himself would probably kiss Arulappan's ass. That look would have to be patented as Mr. Arul. It was Zen with a fire inside him to burst into the most ugly form of matter which unfortunately had to be speech. Boy, was he not pissed to hear that answer. The poor student was devastated after that encounter and refused to raise his hand for the rest of his undergrad career. His self-confidence level dropped to a mere 1 percent that he finally quit his career to become a miner so he could never show his face on ground level and simultaneously learn about metals. He would finally start to wear tighter shirts because he would never have to raise his hands again but to lift himself up from 2000 feet below ground level.
Well, even the most creative minds wouldn’t have thought of what Arulappan said to insult the student. “Why silver? Ha ha (the monstrosity in his laughter echoed across the room just to magnify the effects of his fiery speech). Why not gold or copper? Take all the expensive jewels in the country and turn it into “pistons of India”. The king of Saudi Arabia might have a Rolce Royce with golden pistons and diamond rings to take his 500 wives. And you are asking me why not silver. What audacity? I must say your parents have given birth only to a composition of protein molecules forgetting the remaining elements of the brain. Go back and check your mother’s womb, maybe you might find some silver. Do you even know what it means to be born with a silver spoon?” That was enough to keep me entertained for the rest of my life.
Oh Arulappan, he brings me humor even to this day. I don’t think he should ever be promoted because he wouldn’t be the same, I know its horrible to think that way but it brings happiness to 200 students every year. He was a form of engineering mechanics and speculative philosophy who practiced in the contemporary period and concerned himself principally with discovering methods for amusing others with metals into golden humor and with finding a total comical solvent and an elixir of life - My Alchemist forever.
posted by Mt. Heaven at 12:05 PM
1 Comments:
dude, not fair..u r embellishing the details to make Arulappan look good :)
I'm surprised you didn't mention the guy who failed EM for gawking at Arullapan's wife :))
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